There are moments in your life when you stop and wonder how you have got where you are in life. I don’t pretend to have the most exciting of lives and I do feel like I am stuck in a rut and not going anywhere. However so much has happened to me in the last 12 months and I have realised this week that I have moved on more than I thought.
When I ‘came out’ last May I didn’t know how I would deal with the whole being gay thing. Some people keep it all very quiet, others go over the top and become extremely camp, some get involved in equal rights campaigns, and some just live life to excess. I know this is in danger of stereotyping but it does seem to be the case with most gay men. I had no idea on which route I would take. After all being gay is not a lifestyle choice it’s who you are and it is just the way you were born. I thought it would be the keep it all quiet approach for me and I have tried to do this but at the same time I want to be me as well and I do have a big interest in politics. In recent weeks there has been a lot of debate about legalizing ‘Gay marriage’ and whether Government should allow it. Personally I think they should stop calling it this and call it marriage for everyone. The Church has condemned this idea and from sectors of the Church have used very nasty language. I appreciate everyone has a view and are entitled to it but there is no need to uses words such as ‘shameful’ and ‘grotesque’. I am pleased the Government is conducting a proper discussion about this and I can only hope that very soon everyone know matter of their sexual orientation have the same rights to marriage. The link to the online consultation is at the end of this blog if you want to get involved with the discussion. Once again I digress a little (it is happening a lot in my blogs lately). What I am getting at is that I never saw myself getting involved in gay rights. I thought that somebody else would be more passionate about this than me and I would just agree with things and get on as normal. I have enough to deal with sorting myself out never mind trying to change people’s attitudes. However when I am passionate about something then I like to get involved. I don’t mean I plan on going on marches etc but where it is appropriate I will happily discuss the issue and voice my opinions. I also feel that I have to be involved as it does concern me and others so I do have some sort of moral duty to do it.
This theme has been with me all week .I had my first working lunch experience. Well when I say ‘working lunch’ I did do it in my own time but it was a meeting to discuss LGBT issues at work. I am involved with the Staff LGBT group and the group was asked to discuss various issues. So this was what my ‘working lunch’ was for. It was a really good meeting but I did feel out of my depth. This is for many reasons. I am not a confident person generally speaking so I am not as eloquent as I would like to be. I suppose this is something I can work on but in the meantime it does knock my confidence more. Also there is the issue of my appearance. I have mentioned in previous blogs the idea that I want to dress smarter but I am stuck in that situation that if I do then it looks like I am trying to impress for some reason where as the reality is now I have turned 30 the idea of wearing a shirt and even more scary a tie have become more and more appealing. I even find myself ignoring the slogan t-shirts and the 80’s themed t-shirts and instead looking at a nice shirt and tie set. I have of course resisted so far and the practicalities of my job mean that a tie is not actually that suitable. However smart shirts are possible. Anyway at this ‘working lunch’ it was looking like I was going to be the only person there not in shirt and tie. I was wearing a casual shirt and trousers so I was better than my usual scruff bag look (maybe that’s too harsh). Thankfully someone else came in jeans and a top so I suddenly felt a bit better. I did however make me think about I dress and behave and that I need to work on my confidence more.
This week I watched the film ‘Weekend’. This is a very recent low-budget film set in Nottingham. It focuses on a guy who meets another guy in a club and follows them for a whole weekend. It is a very moving film and made me think about things as well as reassuring me that the worries and doubts I have a normal. It is a great film and I would recommend you try to see it if you can.
I suppose with all of this going on this week it is no surprise that I have been wondering what I am going to do to sort myself out. I know I need to get out more and start meeting people. I can’t expect Mr Right to just appear so I need to get out there and have more confidence in myself. I see couples out and about and I want that experience. I want to share my life and experiences with someone and that is not going to happen unless I make an effort. It not easy meeting other gay men. If you are straight then when you find the courage to ask someone then you are usually sure they are straight as well. For a gay man you can’t just ask a guy as he may not be gay, or if he is he might not be out. So you are faced with the likely hood of being turned down or punched rather than they say yes. Yes we do have some sort of gaydar (its hard to explain but you just have a sixth sense) so you do have an inkling if they are or not but this is not 100% and in my case it can be obscured by the fact that I hope they are gay rather than if they are or not. I suppose I am waiting for someone to ask me as someone else wont have the risk of wondering if I am or not as that question has been answered. It’s a tricky world for gay dating and a lonely one.
I know this blog is a bit of rant and some of you may find it all tedious and think I need to get a grip and maybe there’s some truth there. However this is what I feel at the moment and that’s what this blog is for. for me to try to deal with things going on in my life good or bad.
Sorry this blog is late once again. Now Dancing On Ice is over it should be out at a more suitable time.
Top TV programme of the week : The Apprentice
Top song of the week: Cast of The Book of Mormon – You and Me (But Mostly Me)
Book I am currently reading: Elisabeth Sladen the autobiography