The last seven days have been very busy and also emotionally tiring. So here is what has been going on in my world for the last seven days.
Last weeks blog was titled 155.344124 BUC. I said I would explain what it meant this week. Well the answer was the Dewey number for emotions of gays. The reason I called last weeks blog that was because I knew it was approaching the 1 year anniversary of me ‘coming out’. It is odd having one date for ‘coming out’ as it is something you end up doing on a regular basis. Theres no one-off announcement and that’s it. Yes I can change my Facebook status but when I meet new people through work or friends I ‘come out’, I basically ‘come out’ everyday. However the more you do it the easier and less bothered you get about it. The first few times though when you say those words it is the scariest thing to do. The date I picked, the 15th May was when I told my parents and that is why I chose this date. They were the most important people I had to tell so I feel it is right to have that as my official ‘coming out’ date or as I called it my gay birthday. I still remember how scared I was telling people for the first time. I first confided in a friend a week or so before telling my parents. I still remember the fear I had when I told him and thinking that’s it no going back now. That conversation was the most personal conversation I have had with any of my friends or even family and it helped me to realise I had to do it and tell others. Knowing I had at least one persons support give me the strength to move on and I feel blessed to have had such a great response from people so far. By having a date for an anniversary/birthday it allows me to look at how far I have come in 12 months. In the last 12 months I have been myself for the first time in 30 years. I don’t have to feel ashamed, or bad when I see someone I like in the street, I have been on dates, met new people, gone to gay bars with friends, and started to accept myself. Part of me though naively thought that ‘coming out’ would solve everything and 12 months later I would be in a relationship with someone in our own place. Realistically that was never going to happen but it was partly what I secretly wished for. It’s this feeling that hits me and makes me anxious and scared. I worry I have left it too late, that I’ve missed my chances of happiness. There are somethings I won’t have or experience. I am very unlikely to have children, or get married (unless the government allows it) although I can have a partnership. These things do bother me but at the end of the day I would be more than happy to just meet someone to have a relationship with. Anything else would be a bonus. These fears and anxieties usually come on a weekend when I have chance to stop and think about things. Last night this happened probably because it has been on my mind during the week. I felt quite low and emotional and wanted a chat with someone. I know I could have rung someone and had a chat but it is a fact men no matter straight or gay can’t talk about emotions in person it is a well know genetic defect we have. I just need a GBF (Gay Best Friend) who I confide in and go out with to bars and stuff until then its going solo. That’s not me pushing people away who do care its me having to stand up for myself and make things happen for me. My friends have had to do that and it’s what I have to do as well.
So my 1st gay birthday. It is odd calling it that but for this year at least that’s what I am doing. When I told someone about this they said Oh so you have two birthdays like the Queen (yep he meant it jokingly). Sadly it’s not the same as I didn’t have my own army parading up and down for me. I did however have dancing liquorice allsorts in very tight trousers. Yep that’s right. By pure coincidence my 1st gay birthday was the same day that me and my friends had booked to see Matthew Bourne’s The Nutcracker. I said last year that I was not a fan of ballet. I enjoy watching dance but ballet is just not accessible for me. however that was until I saw my first Matthew Bourne production last year. The man is a dance genius and makes ballet so modern that you forget you are watching ballet and think it is just a silent play with some dance thrown in. This year the production on tour is The Nutcracker it was brilliant. The set was amazing and of course there was the modern interpretation of the classic tale. It was perfect way to celebrate my gay birthday, men in very tight trousers surrounded by sparkling pink lips and bottom slapping couldn’t get much camper. It was a great night and I look forward to the next production that tours.
Having had one night out I followed it with another night out. Yep this is almost a social life. This time it was to go to the cinema to see ‘The Lucky One’. So Tuesday night was high brow culture with a night at the ballet. Wednesday night was more low culture and basically involved looking at Zac Efron. I never liked him before but a friend of mine said to watch the trailer for The Lucky One and I would change my mind (Do it yourself you will see what they mean). I admit he is good-looking it the film but opinion on his acting ability (or should that be lack of it) remains the same. He was only in the film to look good and he did that very well so I suppose that’s job done.
While at the cinema I got a bit frustrated with a couple who came in. When you buy your ticket you are allocated a seat number. You often get to choose where you want to sit. This couple though didn’t like where they were meant to be sitting so sat elsewhere. The screening was fully booked so they ended up having to move about five or six times before going back to their orignal seat. Yes it was the front row and not the greatest view but that’s what you agreed when you bought the ticket. If you are allocated a seat then sit in that seat. The same goes for trains. While on this subject on my train home from work on Friday night I got surrounded my some footballers. they were trying to work out their seat reservations but the number and letter combination was confusing them so they sat in some unbooked seats. One of these seats was the one next to me. Although I had my headphones in I gathered they were footballers (not premier league), they also pulled out a copy of a local paper and said to another passenger ‘Do you recognise anyone?’. I should have asked who they were but I didn’t. So anyone who has any idea who they may be then let me know.
Well that’s it for this week. I know it is a bit of a deep and philosophical one this week but I had to get some stuff of my chest and more importantly out of my head. Thanks again to all of my friends and family for the support over the last 12 months. It means so much. So until next weeks that’s a wrap.
Top TV programme of the week : Once Upon A Time
Top song of the week: Lady Gaga – Born This Way
Book I am currently reading: Cold Comfort Farm by Stella Gibbons