I have been debating whether I post this blog or not. Lately I haven’t been myself and people ask are you ok and my protection mode kicks in and goes ‘yeah I’m fine, don’t worry about me’. Which is of course the universal code for I’m anything but. I’m meant to be an adult. I’m 31 I shouldn’t be dealing with these things now I should have dealt with them at 16 or 18. I didn’t and they have surfaced now.
I think I am doing ok and that my doubts and insecurities are under control and then I realise no they are not. I knew when I ‘Came Out’ it wasn’t going to solve everything and that it was only the first step forward but if I am honest I hoped it would sort things and that things would slot into place. The reality is life doesn’t happen like that and I don’t think I am any further forward. This is probably not true as I have made some progress but at times I forget this. I don’t regret coming out as the song says “I am what I am’ and I am proud to be gay but I do regret waiting so long and I am scared I have missed my chance. Its hard to talk about and explain unless you have been through it and I feel I am making this journey alone and its dark and its scary and I don’t know what the hell I am doing. I don’t have much confidence so to pluck up the courage to ask a guy out is scary as hell and rejection gay or straight still hurts no matter how brave you try be. Thats even if I have the guts to go out. I know I make excuses to not go out and I only have myself to blame but part of the reason I make the excuses is that its scary to go out on the scene. I have done it but feel I have to do it on my own and it isn’t easy to do. I have great friends some of who are probably reading this but you have your own lives and are in relationships, or have your own problems and issues and its not right of me to expect you to go out. If I was younger then it would have been easier to do this.
There is of course online dating and I have tried this but it hasn’t really worked for me. I suppose there might be fish in the sea but by sea is smaller than most with a small amount of stock. You would think things would be easier with all these apps such Grindr and stuff and yes they can put you in touch with people and maybe meet your man (well for a few hours) but very unlikely to meet Prince Charming but not unheard of.
Social media doesn’t help with these doubts of confidence. Its a great way to get in touch with people but sometimes I hear too much. You possibly think the same about this blog. When I read their tweets or see their photo’s I just wonder where did I let it go wrong. Why am I not taken those chances or doing those things and yes it is my fault but I didn’t see the opportunity in front of me or I didn’t want to and I regret it so much. I know there are other problems which are factors (and this isn’t the place for them) but I have to stop letting them be problems to me, but that is easier said than done.
I know to some this looks quite needy but I figured it was better to do this than burst into tears in a social situation which genuinely nearly happened today, but I don’t know how else to get these doubts and feelings out as they just won’t go away and I need to explain why I am so moody lately. I know I will be fine well maybe not that fine but I’ll survive anyhow. Thanks for putting up with this post and my rants and whinges. One day when I am in a happier place I can look back at this and thing how much I have moved on I just need that day to come soon.