Hi everyone. I have a feeling as I start this blog that it could be one of those Marmite type of blogs (maybe they all are I’m just not that aware of it).  I say could be because I never really plan what I’m going to type on my blog posts. It is more a pouring out of events and thoughts and this week there haven’t been many events but I have been thinking about things (Dr Who didn’t help). So here goes.

Bank Holiday Monday. A day off and chance for me to relax and rest. It was a nice day which consisted of me eating more of my Easter Egg and just doing very little. I did go into town for some shopping and of course a coffee. I called into get some food from M&S. I only had 4 items so went to the basket 10 items or less till. There was a queue which is fair enough and I was third in the queue. I noticed the woman at the front of the queue had considerably more than 10 items in her basket. In fact there was so much more than 10 items it was that heavy she had to put on the floor while she waited. It was because of this I tried to do a quick item count and then noticed the woman in front of me who was behind the guilty party was also doing the same. We just looked at each other and raised our eyebrows in a disapproving way that would have made Margaret from the Apprentice proud. Now came the social dilemma does someone say something to the culprit or do we act all British and ignore it. The woman in front of me decided to say something to the guilty woman and did so in much more tactful and polite manner than I would have done. The woman just laughed and said she didn’t realise and then tried to say someone who had been in front of her had lots as well. Neither of us had seen this mystery person and even so it was not a valid reason. Then before anything else it was her turn to be served at the till. Apparently in defense of the staff member they are not allowed to tell a shopper to use another till even though there are clear signs. Standards have obviously slipped since my days on the checkout. Anyway I finally get served and I am asked if I want my bags packed. There are only 4 items and one of them is delicate and don’t want squashing (it’s a chicken pie) and want to put that on the top. I decline the offer of my bags getting packed and successfully pack the 4 items. The checkout operator then takes it upon himself to look at my packing and attempt to rearrange it putting the item I wanted on the top at the bottom. I had to stop him from doing so. He said he was only being helpful but I reminded him I didn’t need any. He then tried to make the situation better by giving me a voucher for money off Chinese food. I don’t like Chinese food, the guy is just digging himself into a deeper hole. I pay and leave muttering under my breath. The pie was ok though in case you were wondering.

Sticking with bad shopping experiences I had to go back to the opticians this week. For regular readers of my blog you will remember that in November last year I got some new glasses. I love the style of them but I have had a constant problem of moisture getting between the lens and the frame causing marks and it just isn’t good. I had taken them in a few times and they cleaned them and sent me on my way but the problem still exists. I thought because it was past the 3 months period I couldn’t do anything about it now but after sending an e-mail to Specsavers it turns out I could still get them replaced for free. This is great and I have chosen some new frames (metal ones as apparently the problem was because they were plastic). I have also paid for thinner lenses so hopefully the new pair should be ok. On a geeky note they are called Dewi which totally fitting for a library assistant. I will update you next week on the result of the new glasses.

This week in the news there was a story saying that some new research had found that the British Class System had changed. It wasn’t just three classes now I think there are now 7. I took part in the survey on the BBC site which defines what you are and it turns out I am an Emergent Service Worker which is second from bottom and means not rich but cultured. Which I think is a fair assessment of me. It is interesting how it is only us Brits who are obsessed with what class we are. We always have been and always will I suppose. I suppose these new categories are more appropriate to modern-day society and look at other factors apart from job and money. Still it does draw attention our need to feel we fit in somewhere and how we want to change our status etc and by that I mean social standing and not someones Facebook status. If only it was as easy as that. I am sure this new class system will be discussed and argued over in many households, schools, workplaces and universities for years to come.

OK here come the Marmite bit of my blog post. Please don’t take this the wrong way. Ok here goes.

For a while now I have been thinking about myself and where I am and how I fit in and stuff like that. It is all a bit Brian Cox I suppose but once again I am feeling a bit adrift in myself. Things change. That’s not a bad thing it’s just life but it does make me realise that while others around me have been moving on and making changes I have stayed in the same place. I always seem to do this. My friends have managed to make this transition in their lives. They have moved on. This could be through getting married and having a family or moving to different parts of the country or moving amongst new social groups. As I say I know this happens but it has left me wondering where do I go next? I don’t feel I fit in well. I’m not one of the lads (never have been and have no intention of being one) but I’m also not one of the girls (for obvious reasons). Both of these groups can close ranks and move on and when it happens I’m just left drifting. By this I don’t mean I’m ignored we all still speak and sometimes do things together its just that I don’t always feel part of things. I’m the single gay friend and no one including myself knows what to do with me.  I know we don’t all share everything about ourselves and even though I often open up on my blog I still keep a lot of things back but some key things I do share. When I came out for example I told some friends first, I wanted to tell more friends at the point but didn’t. I suppose I told them first because I wanted there support and I felt I owed them the honesty as for the first time I felt included. However over recent months I have felt the distance grow and I feel that I have knocked down some bridges and the worse thing is I didn’t realise I had until now and that’s what hurts especially when I realise I should have helped some of them instead of being wrapped up in my own issues. Living in a social media age makes it easier to see the bridges that have fallen down (or should that be unfollowed). Maybe its just a natural progression and it is time to put myself first and that’s what has been on my mind this week.

I think it is clear from a lot of my blog posts that I suffer with self-confidence issues. I don’t always see the good things that I do. I could list many reasons/excuses why this is possibly the case such as being bullied at school, always worrying that something would come along and spoil anything I was looking forward to. To this day I don’t look forward to any event/ trip just in case something comes along and stops it happening. It’s only once I’m there doing it do I start to enjoy it. This lack of self-confidence is a problem and I let it get to me and this has affected relationships.job interviews etc. So I need to start being a bit more positive about me. I can’t expect others to so it’s up to me to do that. I can see the person I want to be. I want to be the 3o year old professional guy who has a good circle of friends, happy in a relationship with a great guy, possibly married once the law has changed (is it a bit creepy I have picked my first dance song? ‘Almost Paradise  from Footloose soundtrack’), living in a city (London/Manchester/Newcastle or Brighton) in a lovely flat/apartment, and financially security. It’s not a lot to aim for but it’s what I am aiming for in my head. In reality I don’t have a clue where to start with any of this. I see life a bit like a Sherlock Holmes mystery. The clues are there to solve the puzzle and not doing so is the crime. However I can’t see the clues. Maybe I’m looking too hard I don’t know. I have always believed in fate and I know how amazing it is that we exist at all (this is the Brian Cox science bit) and that makes me what to make sure I get it right. So many things happened for us all to be here and I suppose it all a series of chances and events. I just need to make sure I make the most of my chances and events and can let go of things and move on. If I was in a position to travel for 6 months to try to find myself like some cheesy movie I would do it. I’m not though so need to find another way of finding myself.

Phew that was tough going. It all sounded a bit better in my head and I probably haven’t explained it as well I should have but I needed to get it out. I hope people who read this are not offended. My friends and family are all great people but I needed to say how I am feeling that’s all. The only person who is to blame is me and all I can do is try to move on. All I ask is that you understand that and hopefully continue to support me and maybe help me rebuild some of those bridges.

Thanks of sticking with this weeks blog post and hopefully you will be back next week and I’ll try not to be as philosophical and heavy going then. so until then bye for now.

Top Programme of the Week – Dr Who

Top Song of the Week – Snow Patrol – The President

Book I Am Currently Reading – This Thing Of Darkness – Harry Thompson

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