Hi and welcome to this weeks blog post. This blog post nearly didn’t happen this week. I’ll explain why shortly. Anyway here is what has been happening in my life in the last 7 days.
Over the last few weeks I’ve been a bit down I suppose and it all seemed to come to a head this week. Monday and Tuesday were particularly bad. Usually when I’m back at work after a week off I’m full of energy and excitement. Instead I just didn’t want to see anyone and had to fight back the tears. Most of the time I managed to do this but it was always harder on a night and on the commute to and from work. I’ve been down before but not like this it was like some thick fog had clouded my mind (very similar to how Will Young describes it in his autobiography in the chapter ‘Batten Down The Hatches’). I felt like I was free-falling and I couldn’t hold onto anything good to stop myself and it was quite suffocating. I’m not sure if it was obvious to many people. I was at work so had to carry on as normal but I felt empty inside. Tuesday was the worst day and I thought then that I couldn’t go ahead with this weeks blog post. I felt I had to batten down the hatches while the storm raged. I saw my blog post as the weak spot. As child I loved playing knights and castles and I therefore know (as do historians) that the weakest part of a castle is the drawbridge. This blog post is like my drawbridge and I felt I had to pull it up while under siege and I wasn’t sure when I would be able to lower it. On Wednesday things got better. A friend realised things weren’t good and pulled me back the fog, from then I could see others helping either by saying hi, or a smile it all helped. They might not have realised this all helped but it did. Now the fog was clearing I realised I can’t change the past or some people that s their job I can’t worry about them all the time. They have to sort themselves out. I need to move on with my life and if people want to come with me on this journey then they’ll come if not then they are not worth having around me. I can’t let doubts about myself throw me off course. So by Wednesday night I felt a lot better and any tears night were just of relief. I felt I could breathe and relax for the first time in a while. I explained to the friend who helped why I was feeling the way I was and they just listened/read it (I did it by e-mail as I could put it together properly). It was the first time I had properly done this and it helped me deal with it and hopefully made my friend understand a few things.
The events of this week make blogging awkward. They give the blogger (me) a dilemma. How do you stay true yourself but without alienating an audience. The idea of my blog is to talk about what has happened in my life in the last week and what has been on my mind. I obviously don’t talk about everything, but I often do talk about how I’m feeling. This can come across as needy and makes me look very self-centred, that I’m looking for praise. I’m not doing it for these reasons but I appreciate they may be mistaken in this way. All of this can alienate readers and it probably has. All bloggers face this dilemma of how to be true to themselves but still acknowledge that actually some people do read it and they will respond in different ways. When I started my blog I thought some people would read it and after a while interest would tail off. Some bloggers write deliberately for an audience (like a newspaper would) but I see my blog as something for myself and it just happens to have an audience. This blog is something I wanted to do and I do find a lot of rewards in doing it. The good thing about blogging for me is that it allows me to explain in a clearer way what has been happening and what’s on my mind. The downside is that it can be weak spot. Also by talking about things online it can mean that I don’t have anything to say in the real world (this is a problem with all social media). People know what’s going on because they have read it in your blog or Facebook status or tweet. Over the last few years since doing the blog the interest in it has gone up and that’s great and I do appreciate it all especially the comments I get. I think the pro’s out way any downside so I will continue with blogging and hopefully people will continue to read it.
Hopefully this week will be ok and better than last week. I have stuff on at work and I am once again giving away books for World Book Night on the 23rd. So quite a busy week I’m guessing. The book I am giving away is ‘Noughts & Crosses’ by Malorie Blackman. If you are also a book giver for World Book Night I hope you have fun and let me know how it goes. (Oh also its the last episode of Broadchurch this Monday and we will finally find out who it was.)
Thanks to those who helped me this week and thank you all for taking the time to read this and I’ll be back next week.
Top Programme of the Week – Broadchurch
Top Song of the Week – Fun – Some Nights
Book I Am Currently Reading – This Thing Of Darkness – Harry Thompson